Of Bears and Sharktopus
by Chaotic Inverse
Summary: In which Blaine and Kurt get caught in the middle of something, Finn's worst fear is lame syfy movies and there is a bear that might be either brown or black sleeping in their yard.


for this prompt at the Glee awkward meme .?thread=37748#t37748

-line break-

The Hummel-Hudson brothers had a rule, it was an unofficial rule because neither of them ever brought it up but both followed it completely. When Finn had Rachel over Kurt would pretend not to notice that the door was locked, any suspicious noises and would never bother them. When Kurt had Blaine over Finn would do the same thing. In the three months or so that the rule had been unofficially enacted the rule's sacredness hadn't been broken. Well until now.

Kurt's first thought on hearing footsteps coming up the stairs and pounding on his door was that his dad had come home early. It was a thought that made both him and Blaine who was still underneath him freeze. Still underneath him doing very naughty things that his dad should never see.

Blaine leaned closer to him and Kurt tried to look elsewhere than his swollen lips and still dark eyes. Fuck whoever it was had the worst timing in the world. "I thought you said your dad wouldn't be home until six?"

He shushed him, and gestured towards the door. "Do you want him to hear you?" he hissed out, mind racing with the possibilities. He was so screwed and not in the way Blaine had been a few minutes ago.

Blaine rolled his eyes. "I was just asking."

Kurt glared at him. "You're still talking." He half-whispered, voice growing slightly desperate.

"Kurt! Blaine! Come on, would you two open the door?" The voice that greeted them was not an angry Burt Hummel most likely with his shotgun. It was a hysterical sounding Finn who kept pounding on the door every few seconds. "Come on! Before it gets me!"

Kurt sighed and rolled his eyes. Fucking Finn. "Finn, I thought we had a rule." The next time he and Blaine were here with Finn in the house Kurt was going to make Blaine scream as loud as he could. He glanced over at his boyfriend with a smug look, not that it took all that much effort. His boy was such a screamer.

Blaine collapsed dramatically against the bed. "Tell him I've died of been cock-blocked."

Kurt patted his arm sympathetically. "Sure, thing, honey." He quickly pulled his shirt back on and climbed back into his jeans, he looked over at the still overly dramatic Blaine before pulling the comforter over him.

Still looking well fucked and feeling incredibly put out Kurt jerked the door open. "What. Do. You. Want. Finn?" In response Finn dove into the room, not walk, not run, but dove into the room.

"Hurry up, lock the door. Hurry dude!" Finn said panicky. "Come on, before it gets inside."

Blaine pulled his head out of the covers. "Before _what_ gets inside?"

Finn looked over at him with wide eyes. "The bear! Before it gets inside, quick Kurt lock the door and start barricading it."

Blaine looked quizzically at Kurt who shrugged in response, still standing by the door. "Finn there's no bear." Kurt said as gently as he could because even though Finn had just given him and his boyfriend the biggest set of blue balls in the world he was obviously scared considering the way he was cowering next to Blaine and hadn't even noticed that he was still naked.

Finn shook his head. "Yeah there is. It's upstairs in the backyard, I was just chilling in the living room and I looked over and saw it and it's definitely a bear."

"Finn, Ohio especially Lima, Ohio does not have any bears. At all. Like never." Kurt said less gently and more frustrated. "So would you please go back upstairs and stop watching whatever lame syfy movie that has you freaked out this time."

Finn glared at him. "Okay that was one time, one, and who says Sharktopus can't be scary? I mean it jumped into the sky and attacked a plane. A plane, Kurt!"

"It was so obviously fake and possibly the worst display of special effects I've ever seen, how the hell can you be scared by that movie? The concept is ridiculous."

"Your concept is ridiculous."

"…That is possibly the worst insult I've ever heard, I think even a first grader could have done better."

A sharp whistle interrupted their fight and the siblings turned to look at Blaine who'd already gotten his pants on and was looking around for his shirt. "Let's stop acting like first graders, all of us and go check it out. Even if it's not a bear which it probably isn't then it might be a stray dog or another wild animal. Alright?"

Kurt nodded sullenly in agreement and Finn shook his head. "I'm telling you dude it's a bear, are you sure we have to go up there? What if it eats us?"

Blaine sighed. "In the unlikely event that it breaks into the house, specifically comes down here while ignoring all of the food upstairs I'm sure at least one of us will survive—Kurt you're wearing my shirt."

He stared at him in confusion and then glanced down to find that he was in fact wearing Blaine's shirt. Hmm no wonder it had felt a bit tight on him. He noticed the way Blaine's already dark eyes darkened, with the pupils pretty much blown out and the way his mouth kind of dropped open, making a tiny o of surprise.

Kurt smirked but quickly hid it. "Am I? Oh well, we have a bear to search for after all." And before Blaine could do anything else Kurt left the room and headed for the stairs a slightly cowering Finn following after him.

Blaine blinked and then shook his head. They could get back to the things after they solved Finn's 'bear dilemma.' He thought about the way Kurt looked in his shirt for a second and hoped to God that they solved it fast.

"Finn, would you put the baseball down? For the last time you don't need a weapon." Kurt said irritated, and just a bit worried that Finn's clumsiness would strike again and hurt either himself or Blaine. He fully intended to salvage their night and having a concussion would not help.

"No way. We need a weapon in case the bear gets inside the house." Finn explained, in the same way normal person might explain that the grass was green or the sky was blue. "Because honestly you guys aren't all that strong and a bear could probably just poke you and you'd died, you know?"

Forget this next time they were fooling around at Blaine's. He had his own room and his parents were never home and honestly Blaine's brother never caused bear-situations. Definitely Blaine's next time. "One there is no bear. Two if there was a bear that bat would do nothing to it. Three if you swung the bat and somehow managed to hit it then you'd just make it angry. Four put the fucking bat down now Finn."

Blaine gave Finn a sympathetic smile. "I think you should listen to Kurt."

Finn set the baseball bat down reluctantly and Kurt nodded in approval. "Okay now where's your 'bear' at?"

Wordlessly Finn pointed out the window and when Blaine followed his finger he froze, eyes widening. "Fuck." He whispered quietly very quietly and Finn just nodded in agreement.

"What are you guys looki—" Kurt stopped cutting himself off as all three of them looked into the backyard, two of them unable to believe their eyes and the other just very very scared as hell.

In the Hummel Backyard which was used for lazy summer days and barbequing when the weather was good was a large sleeping brown figure. Despite having never seen an actual bear in his life Kurt immediately recognized it as a bear. "Oh fuck." He said just as quietly as Blaine had done. "There's a fucking bear in our yard. Fuckity fuck fuck."

Blaine reached over and grabbed onto his hand, intertwining their fingers. "It's a black bear." He said knowledgably and they looked over at him.

"Blaine, babe it's _brown_." Kurt said trying to reassure his boyfriend whose sense of color had apparently gotten lost in the shock of seeing a real live bear in his backyard.

Finn nodded. "Yeah dude, it's brown. Black bears are black and brown bears are brown. That's like first grade material."

He sighed. "Actually black bears can be brown and also sort of blonde-brown. You can tell it's a black bear because of its size and because of your tree." At their confused looks he continued in his explanation. "Well look at your tree over there, there's claw-marks on it and a lot of broken branches which means something heavy has been climbing on it. Black bears can climb and brown bears can't climb as easily because of their weight. Besides brown bears are in colder places such as Alaska and black bears are more common."

Kurt blinked and then blinked once more trying to get his brain to process. "You are such a nerd." He said with a fond look.

Blaine flushed. "My family took me to this bear farm in Michigan when I was younger a lot. They have like pamphlets and stuff."

"You and your pamphlets." Kurt said teasingly.

Finn rolled his eyes. "Not to interrupt anything important but there is a bear, a brown- black bear in our yard apparently, so what the hell do we do?"

Kurt paused. "I never really thought what to do if you were right, the possibility was too far out to think of."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that for once astoundingly you were actually right and at the worst possible timing."

"Oh please you and Blaine were just screwing, it's not that important."

"Would you say the same thing if it was you and Rachel?"

"This doesn't happen when it's me and Rachel!"

"Are you implying that the bear is here because we were having sex? Do you realize how stupid that sounds?"

"Hi, this is Blaine Anderson and I have a slight situation. No ma'am it's nothing too serious it's just a bear has wandered into my yard…No I'm not kidding it's really a bear… yes a bear. It's a black bear ma'am. It's not being threatening or anything, it's sleeping in our backyard. Yes ma'am everyone's fine and we're remaining in the house. I think it probably wandered into town after waking up early…Yes ma'am that's fine, thank you. My address is 422 Easterday Street; if they can't find it tell them to look for the blue house with two boys arguing like children and another one freezing cold without a shirt while a bear sleeps peacefully in the backyard."

He looked up to find Kurt and Finn just staring at him. He shrugged defensively and sat down on the couch to wait. "They said they'll have animal control here in ten minutes, because it doesn't seem confrontational they think they'll be able to safely tranquilize it and bring it back to the wild."

Kurt sat down next to him and Finn sat down on the recliner which was directly across from the window, eyes never looking away from the sound asleep bear. "Dude, your boyfriend is weird." Finn said and Kurt got up to smack him.

Blaine laughed and Kurt just shook his head. "I don't understand how you can remain so calm about this. There is a bear in our backyard Blaine, a bear! And it just doesn't faze you."

He shrugged. "I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean yes I was surprised at first but it's not hurting anyone and it's probably just really confused and really tired because the closest place that has black bears is Michigan and that's pretty far away." He smiled over at Kurt. "Besides lots of other things faze me."

Kurt frowned trying to think of anything that could make Blaine Warbler loose his cool. At last he shook his head. "No, I don't believe you."

Blaine's smiled widened and he leaned in until he was barely an inch away from Kurt. "You faze me. You faze me a lot."

"Don't even think about it." Finn said still staring at the brown-black bear. "You guys are so not making out on the couch when there's a bear in our yard. What if it causes another one to appear?"

Kurt glared at him barely resisting the urge to throw him outside. He was sure the bear could use a meal even if it was junk food like Finn. "For the last time us having sex or doing anything intimate does not causes carnivorous bears to appear in the backyard. It just doesn't."

"Actually black bears usually have a more herbivorous diet." Blaine added and Kurt groaned letting his head drop back against the couch.

Yep, next time they were definitely doing it at Blaine's house. Far far away from Finn and any black bears.

By the time Burt and Carole came home things were mostly in order. Animal control had left with the bear half an hour ago, with the bear not even waking up once and Blaine had eventually gotten his shirt back even if Kurt hadn't managed to salvage their night. The boys all fully-dressed and calmed down were sitting in the living room watching a movie when their parents finally got home.

Blaine laughed from his spot on the couch curled up next to Kurt who made in his opinion a pretty awesome pillow. They were sharing a popcorn bucket and even Kurt couldn't complain about all the salt and butter as they watched the movie. "How can you seriously be afraid of this?"

Finn tried to glare at him but the blanket he'd thrown over himself in fright prevented it a bit. "Shut up Anderson it's scary you just can't appreciate it."

"I appreciate the fact that it sucks." He said cheerfully. This was his first time seeing Sharktopus and if this was the reaction Finn had to all syfy movies then he'd gladly watch the rest. What, he still hadn't forgiven him for the epic case of cock-blocking even if it had been an emergency. Judging by the smirk on Kurt's face he hadn't forgiven him either.

"Hi dad." Kurt said reaching over to pause the movie. "Hi Carole." He said greeting the woman who attempted to wave as she carried the last of the groceries inside.

Finn pulled his head out of the blanket and yelped before covering it again. "Kurt, why did you pause it right on a close up of his face, I can see all of his teeth!"

Kurt rolled his eyes and turned back to his father. "How was work?"

Burt shrugged as he got comfortable in his seat. "Same old same old. What did you kids do all day?"

Blaine looked at the siblings who shared a glance. Technically he wasn't even supposed to be here when Kurt didn't have a parent around. He'd only 'arrived' fifteen minutes ago according to Kurt. "Watched a few movies, it was pretty boring all day."

"Blaine how's your day been?" he said and Kurt gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed his hand tightly.

"I finished up my homework sir and hung out with a few friends." Blaine smiled at him trying to be polite and charming and not thinking about how good his son looked naked or bears. "Like Kurt said today's been kind of boring."

Burt nodded. "Well Carole said we should be having dinner in about half an hour and you're more than welcomed to stay. Mind if I steal the tv for a minute?"

Kurt shrugged. "Sure dad we've already seen this movie anyway. Why?" he asked handing his father the remote.

"Billy said there was something interesting happening on the news and I haven't gotten a chance to look yet."

Blaine leaned in close to Kurt. "There's no way…right?"

Kurt shook his head dismissively. "It's impossible, besides animal control who else knows about this?"

"Thanks Shannon and coming back to our main story tonight is the strange case of a bear wandering into a Lima resident's backyard. The black bear woke up early from hibernation and in his confusion climbed over the fence and settled down to take a nap. At the time the only people home were three teenage boys who called it in. the bear was taken away by animal control. Animal control believes the bear is not a pet or belongs to a privately-owned farm and is planning on releasing the animal back into civilization into its home of the Michigan wilderness."

Kurt groaned, resting his face on Blaine's shoulder as if that could block out the news report. "This doesn't mean anything; there are no pictures or names…"

Blaine tapped his shoulder. "Think again." He whispered quietly, staring at the screen in horror.

"A source, a Noah Puckerman has identified the three teenagers as Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson. We wish the best of luck to all three and are glad that no one was injured."

Kurt's head shot up and he glared at the prone form of Finn under the blanket. "You moron! You told _Puck_! What the hell is wrong with you? I swear to God Finn sometimes—" he trailed off realizing for the first time that his dad was still in the room and was looking between all three of them.

Burt frowned at them. "What was that about a boring day?"

"Quick guys make out and cause another brown-black bear to appear!"

-end-

*As a Michigan girl who has seen black bears multiple times everything I said here was true. Black bears can be other colors than brown and sometimes they do wander into towns. I've even had a black bear wander into my town looking for her cub. If you see a black bear or any bear or any kind of wild animal do not approach it, stay inside and call animal control. Whatever you do not attempt to approach it or feed it, it is a wild animal and often it might be scared or confused. That is all*


End file.
